I am tired.

I love the feeling. I love the waiting. I love that I get to eat everything. Its just that.. I CANT SLEEP! This is exactly what happened the first time.

I thought it would be fun the second time, you know. I would be able to blog all about it..like I did the first time. I would draw cartoons, write letters , take videos and monthly pics. But this time, me being alone , managing everything by myself, I dint have time. Well.. I was lazy to do all that . But what I dont miss – the getting up 100 times in the night to pee. Not being able to sit properly or sleep properly or do anything properly – God what is this body. And being compared to a penguin. Obviously walking will be fidgety if I have to carry so much.

Thankfully I remembered to take out the hand and toe rings, just in time. Last time we had to cut them. And whats with this obsession with healthy eating? The only time I am allowed to have all the fun in the world and I have to eat spinach and eggs? Please <rolling eyes>

I know the real deal is the coming days, but seriously, this is so uncomfortable. Nothing fits. Any discomfort is scary. Not to mention we have to pay for monthly probing with a wide variety of audience.

I think i just want to sleep. like without tossing and turning so much. I guess I have a loong time to wait for that 😦

Sigh!

My first F..

Yeah. Thats right. This blog is about my first FRACTURE. hahaha.

Every-time I get a package, obviously ordered by me only, its like a celebration. As if someone is sending me a surprise gift, and I am called down to collect it. Basically, the delivery guy is like my santa claus. And I am Mr. Bean (if u know, u know).

So 3 days back, when I got a call ‘Maam, your package is arriving in 1 min’ I ran down. I grabbed my phone, access card, and a heart full of false curiosity and hope and ran down. Like Jaya Bachan waiting for ShahRukh, I was there like 59 secs before that guy came.

I reached down, he called, and I glided down the lobby stairs while talking to him. Yes, no looking down..just Deepika Padukone style, heads up, and big smile on my face!

And then it happened. Not sure what I slipped on, but I fell. I rolled down 5 stairs, and was about to land on my head, but used my hands to cover up my head. Head got saved, but legs totally gave up. My ankle twisted and I coudlnt get up.. The delivery guy came, asked me If i am Shivani. I said yes, but can you please come up and gimme my package?

I sat down for a while, shocked about what just happened. I was not able to stand up, my ankle had throbbing pain, but I was in a hurry to go home and open my parcel. But I just couldn’t move.. the guard who had seen the whole drama on cctv came running. ‘Madam, are you ok? Shall i help? ‘ ‘No, I think I am okay, will sit for a while and leave.. Thanks’. And he went off to investigate the stairs where I fell. Turns out someone dropped some oil type thingy while shifting and I slipped.. he immediately got it cleaned up. ‘Maam, neeche dekhke chalna agli baar’. I was this close to rolling my eyes and answering, but leg was giving bigger problem than the guard. I let go, smiled .. started hopping up the stairs and reached home finally.

I went in, sat on sofa, and started crying. The pain became sooo excruciating, I yelled murder at husband. He came running, saw my leg..and with like 0% empathy, asked me ‘What did you do’ . What an ass right?

Immediately, he gave me a painkiller( he was unable to bear my crying I think), and started applying ice pack on the area. 10 min done, and I could see my foot swollen..I am not kidding..it was round..and red! We applied pain spray and bandage and waited for a while to discuss the next plan of action. It can be a fracture, considering how it ballooned up in like 0.3 secs. But also it was 8 in the night and because of lockdown, it would be difficult to find an emergency doc.. so we decided to wait.

The night was sooo painful..omg..I cried..I googled on how to take care of ankle sprain and fracture, I yelled..and waited for 6 more hours to take the next painkiller. And then it was 9..we rushed to the hospital to get an xray. Only I know how much hopping I had to do with my left leg to reach the car and the clinic. I think my left leg lost like 2 kgs yesterday. Also..guys.. DO NOT use hiking stick as a support to walk on normal floor ok.

30 min of waiting and 29 min of crying , we got an xray! Minor fracture..and soft tissue damage is what the doc said..smiling. The only reason I did not go berserk on her smile – she had the pain meds. I got my leg wrapped – I dont like this package ok.. reached home..ate a banana, took painkiller and slept.

And while I slept, the magic happened. Husband and son cleaned up the house, cooked minimal food, did NOT wake me up. The clothes were washed and dried..kitchen cleaned up.. and when i woke up..hot food was served. Well..something came out of my leg sacrifice.

2 days later, here I am. Sitting on my ass , getting fat, hopping away only to bathroom and bed. for next 3-6 weeks depending on how much work I decide to do 😀

This is me, after 29 min of crying and xray, smiling cos pic has to look good no..

We borrowed a wheel chair at home too, so that my left leg also would get some rest. But no one lets me use it only 😦

So, here’s to 4-6 weeks of living like a queen! But yes, it hurts like crazy man!

Erythermases and Hematomases.

I got my first when I was 3 or 4 years old I think. An ant bit me. It irritated me like crazy, I ended up scratching my neck so bad, it left a bruise. But no one made any comment then!

Then came college. I always used to get bitten a lot by mosquitoes (sweet blood you see), and this one guy, ‘A’ asked me after seeing the mosquito bite (pretty severely scratched by me) , ‘If things heated up with someone’. I did not get it then, call me innocent (may be dumb), but I really did not!

Cut to the chase, I got married. And of course I had sex(Aah be a grown up and don’t laugh), and after what one would call, good sex, husband told me he gave me a love bite.

‘Meaning?’ ‘It means, look at your neck, you will have a bruise’.

I immediately went to a mirror to see the so called bruise, and omg, it was red. Everything came crashing back, all those times people looked at my scratch marks weirdly, and with a lot of interest.

I thought Ewww..this is what people would think when they see a neck bruise. And worst, this guy A from college, who is currently my husband, had thought I got this stuff, back in college!! I did not like the look of it, and I scolded A for this. The thought of colleagues..say manager seeing the mark, sort of made me shudder what they would be thinking. I either wore full collared shirts, or hid them with a shawl(I like getting them, just not showing them..duhh!).

And then I grew up.

Marriage is a public announcement to the entire world that the couple is going to have sex. KamaSutra is an Indian guide on how to have sex creatively. And babies are proof of everything I wrote above! So whats wrong anyway.

Gradually I started exposing them, and covering up for the marks.

‘I wore a chain..just got an allergic reaction’. ‘Must be some mosquito bite, too many nowadays’. ‘Is there a mark, I dont know how..’ and I just blushed.

Now I have reached a stage, where I publicly tell when someone asks, ‘Oh, thats a hickey, you know’ and I blush.

This happened about 6 months ago, the coming out of shell i.e.

The reason I wrote about it today, is because I wanted to write a post that made me feel good. With Covid, and losing friends, and never ending lockdown, and work, and self cleaning, and parents being far, anxiety because of staying home, getting fat, and a million problems at hand, this small bruise on my neck made me happy.

And this is what I want to put out. Just stick to the happy things. Remember them again and again. Create new happinesses, however small they might be. Helps survive you see.

10 years down the line, when I fight with A (which am sure I will), I wanna go straight to him , show him this post, and bite his neck off to make it up! <wink wink>

Also, I know you like Hickeys. Dont act off ok.

Peer pressure? Or pressure to have peers?

I’ve given a very very long thought about this, and finally, here it goes.

Remember the Orkut days? The time when social acceptance started to become a norm, and everyone would measure your popularity by the number of friends in your list, or testimonials(and their lengths) to your name? I remember asking all of my close friends to write testimonials for me, just so I could also boast about it. Then came facebook, where your self worth literally was measured by the number of likes on your post? This continued on every social media, more so with the present generation (Yeah yeah I am old).

SO yes, I am old indeed. Old enough to understand there is more to life than social acceptance. I don’t care anymore about posting things on social media, unless I want to save some special memories. But the pressure still haunts me. The pressure to be around people, especially around festivals ; and birthdays, and days like new year, and every holiday. I wanted to be included in different groups, especially those who go to regular parties. Needless to say, I made a lot of ‘friends’.

Its new years, shall we call some people and throw a party? Aah we have a 3 days weekend, we 3 families should go hiking, what say? Its my birthday, should I celebrate it with a group of friends cutting cake or just a quiet vacation with family? Sadly, my preference for all 3 questions above involved a group of people. Why? Its not like I want people to know that I am an amazing family girl, who works and cooks and also hangs out with her girl gang? Or do I want to show off that I am surrounded by people always ?

The answer is Yes. To both. I love spending time with family, but there is this different kick when there are people around you who want to basically spend time with you. And I think this is the kryptonite to most people out there. I for one, measured the success of my birthday based on the number of cakes I got from different groups of friends. (I know, its sad)

What I am basically trying to say is, there will be people around you now, they wont be with you forever. It’s just you who should care about you. It’s okay to be alone. It’s okay to spend a holiday with no one. It’s okay to be alone on your birthday. It’s totally okay to go to a movie or a pub alone. You will feel bad when you see people partying with their ‘gang’ , but it’s okay. Party with the people you are comfortable with. Not because everyone else is doing it.

Don’t be in pressure to make friends, just so you could click few pictures with them on special occasions – Shivani 2020.

More importantly, don’t put your self worth to test based on the number of people you have around you. Good friends are hard to find, and when you do find them, you will know. You will not feel the need to party with them on every stupid occasion. One message is enough to get in touch.

PS: This is just me.

PPS: My husband is my inspiration. He is such a happy soul. He is happy with himself, his son, and his wife. 9 years and now I realise self love is the best love.

Break The Stereotype (BTS)

I think I have pestered people close to me (thats a lot of people), to see/listen to BTS, a k-pop boy band. BTS has recently gained a lot of momentum, especially in India, thanks to quarantine (read joblessness/work from home), and its no surprise that people are mesmerised. By the songs. The dances. The visuals, O My GAWD the visuals! OK thats not the reason I got into it, at least initially.

Around February, I downloaded tiktok and started dancing to few Hindi songs just for fun. But social media is addictive, so I scrolled my ass off tiktok. What I discovered later was tiktockers dancing to BTS songs.
The songs were super catchy, but it was the choreography that attracted me first. And thus began the fandom.

I learnt their names. Saw their old songs. Dances. I couldn’t stop. More than their stage presence, what attracted me most was their interviews, which made them stand out- of all the idols that existed. They are goofballs, a group of dorks, lovable down to earth dorks who made us feel like we are a part of them. And the best of them all – their dressing sense. Their skin. Their accessories collection.

Imagine boys. Wearing pink clothes. Wearing make up and earrings and necklaces. and bracelets. they were looking so so beautiful like angels. Who wouldn’t love seeing colors on guys.

So this is what happened. I became a fan. I told people to see and listen to them. A lot of them politely declined, which is totally ok. Its this other group of people – who did not see them, or listen to them, or know them, but took liberty of telling me they look like a bunch of girls. This is the set of ppl I am judging seriously now. And I am very very very much sad and ashamed to say, they are Indians. There is this very stupid Indian You-tuber, who even made a viral video on how BTS dresses up like girls and wears earrings and endorses cosmetics. And there are asses who supported this ass. Again, I am not judging him. Let him not like BTS, but who is he to put out comments like “Guys are not supposed to wear earrings n stuff” and post it out to public?

Here’s the thing. The eldest member of BTS (also known as WorldWideHandsome Jin) , has said something iconic long back – “A man always chooses pink” . It sounds silly, he said it as a part of a game. But the fact is, and will remain that Jin’s fav colour is pink, and even now, after becoming BillBoard Top1 Band, he chooses and wears pink.

Here are people who are trying to change the stereotypes , and we Indians are going back to our basics with “Be a man”. BTS has partnered with UN and had given a speech on #LoveYourself campaign , and here we are still body shaming. Mind you, they are still in their 20’s, and have achieved a lot lot more, inspiring people all around, sending the message Love Yourself. Their leader Namjoon, has an IQ of 148, and is one of the most intelligent and beautiful person existing. I wish at least 1% of their influence reaches the indian men, who btw, are still too egoistic to listen to or see one of their songs 😦

The Person in the middle dressed up as a girl is their leader Namjoon (RM-Rap Monster)

At least give them a try. Or don’t. If you cannot spread love, thats totally okay. But do not spread hate. These guys struggled a lot to reach here, don’t pull them down.

“If you want to love others, I think you should love yourself first.” – RM

PS: Too big a post, but I wanted to write this one since long. Their songs are actually very amazing, and dances more so. The people – most most so. Give it a try!

In the end, It doesn’t even matter.

The last few days have sort of allowed me to see life in a fresh perspective. What matters the most and what can go down the drain never seemed clearer before.

My 2019’th bday, husband and I had a big fight. On why he does not give me surprise gifts. On why everyone in the world gets Armanis and forever 21’s and gold and diamonds and I sort of have to go shop by myself.  He got me a rose 2 days later, and I remembered telling him what good one rose will do, I cannot even cook it. Duh!

And then corona entered. We are all stuck at home since 3 weeks, not sure till how long. I never got to wear , leave an Armani or branded shirt, not even a decent shirt. I am always in pyjamas, not bothering about what time it is unless someone calls for a meeting, or there is a hunger reminder. Never got to wear those nice shoes matching with my amazing dress and matching earrings.

I get scared of ordering food outside. Or I am too lazy to sanitise it when it arrives. I depend on delivery options for groceries, which also I don’t trust and eventually have to leave it in balcony for 2 days and then use. I am scared of meeting my neighbours, or going down to the shop in condo and buy stuff.

When did I become so paranoid? Why am I living like this?  More importantly what’s the point of living like this? The fact that what happens to me might pass on to my baby is the most dangerous thought in my mind right now.   Gold and diamonds don’t even make a cut off here, as long as I have enough food for the week without going out.

In all this paranoia, our condo pipe burst 4 days ago. We were out of water midnight 3 am. We got up in the morning to find everything dry. The tankers arrived late, and the water was dirty and murky.  Lack of clean water to wash hands did not help the present lockdown we were in. When it is advised to wash hands 20 times a day, we dint have water to do it even once.

I saw people filling buckets of water from swimming pool, the same pool that was closed 3 weeks ago due to corona. The same pool that wasn’t cleaned since 3 weeks. Leave corona, we have no idea what other infections we were exposed to.  We cooked as required, cooked really simple food using minimum vessels, used minimum water to clean up. We kept ourselves clean , kept our hands in control so as to not clean up all the time. We changed clothes only once a day. I never thought we could survive 4 days with a bucket of water a day.

All this, while we were working from home and my son had classes and assignments online.

After what seemed like eternity, we got water today. Bless those people who worked continuous 4+ days to get water to 600 families here. They worked even with MCO lockdown. They worked even when their offices have declared they don’t expose themselves too much.  They worked in their home clothes, in rain, in dark, with minimum resources. The people thanked the management office, the local MP, the building committee, but none of them addressed these common people, common uneducated people who sacrificed their sleep while we were sleeping in our comfortable beds cribbing about how deprived we were.

The sad part being,  I cannot even go and see them, thank them, thanks to the lockdown. This is what made me realise , what kind of place we are living in. A place where the simplest and the most menial jobs , but the most important jobs are looked down upon, are rewarded much less.  What good will I do to myself being a software engineer, when I still depend on an electrician or a plumber , or my maid to make my living easier, and still pay them way less than they deserve.

The best example – I wouldn’t risk my life to go solve customer problem onsite. Why should I expect workers to come fix my problem risking their life? Still I did. And they risked their life for my convenience. Hence, my decision, rather my family’s decision.

Everytime you think of buying something nice for ourselves, think. Like really think. Do we want it? Need it? If not, then please spare the money and make someones life. Donate. Or put in FD for a poor kid. Sponsor someone’s education. Just buy clothes to someone in need. Give a raise to your maid.  If you have time, volunteer in a soup kitchen.  In situations like this, they are the people very much in demand.

You can always buy expensive things with your next salary, u know, i.e. if you really want it.  But once you know what it takes for survival, these things don’t even make sense. Also, who knows we will even come out of this corona situation 🙂 We might spend the next one year at home while all our gold and expensive stuffs are sitting in shelves getting rusted.

Today, I was happy to pay 20rm for a very small cauliflower. Because my effort was way less than the effort of that guy who went all the way to buy groceries. Because end of the day, money does not even matter. We are in lockdown, and we have food. Thats enough.

First corona, then water problem. Who knows what will come next. Live while you can. Help while you can. Make someone’s life when you can.

The world will face continuous draught for 40 years. Followed by continuous flood for an other 40 years. And thats how the world will end – Nostradamus.

 

Limits.

Today was a very frustrating day.

I was forced to work from home (Yes, forced. My house is filled with people, so I don’t like it, and my office is under renovation).  And nothing was working. My logic, my code, nor my brain.  And when nothing worked, i resorted to my one of the soothing methods – baking.

The more frustrated I am, the more amazing my baking is. Needless to say, I made the most amazing batch of brownies. Mind cooled down, I went back to work after two hours. My code dint work but I was not that stressed, I sat focussed till something made sense, and voila- it worked. And it was 6 in the evening, people outside were stressed because I am usually out every one hour to steal some food from the kitchen 😛 . 5 hours continuous work was a first for me, I was happy.

My gym time – As a courtesy, I gave one piece of brownie to my trainer. He was surprised at what all i could do, munched the brownie in a minute, praised me on the moist texture of the brownie, and started the session. ‘Lets try to reach a limit today ‘, he said.

Instead of 15 min cardio, we did 15 minute boxing (I have boxing gloves, in case you are wondering). Then came the weighted squats.

‘How much did we do before?’  He asked.  ‘I think we did 15 each side max’  . ‘Lets do 20-20 today’ 

I said okay, and started. Seemed okay, i struggled a bit, made noises like what sounded like pig’s grunt, and finished a set.

‘Lets add 5 each side’ . ‘Are you sure? I struggled for this itself’ . ‘Yeah girl, you can do it!’

With at most confidence, and expressions as if someone is trying to feed me karela juice , i finished the set with 50kgs.

‘Lets add 5 each side’. ‘Yousuf, thats 60kgs, i dont think i can’. ‘ You can girl, Indian women are the strongest you know’.

That last sentence won, i started squatting with 60kgs!! I think I screamed murder , sadly there was no one in the gym to see that. I finished! i squatted with 60kgs!!

‘I think i am done, lets go home for the day’ i said lying down under the fan.

‘You know , you should be able to deadlift, how much ever you did during squats’.

I looked at him with utmost hatred, and a bit unsure if I could even do 40kgs. So, i started with 40. It was difficult, i did it .

He did the usual natak of adding 5-5, then 10-10, then 2.5,2.5 . Yes thats right. I did a 65kgs deadlift. I think my back broke. After that I couldn’t get up, walk, sit, or anything.

10 minutes break, he started yelling ‘ something something DO SOMETHING IN LIFE GIRL’, i got up. He asked ‘ How much max did you bench? ‘

I knew it was a tricky question, i benched with 10-10 kgs, but I said

‘ 5-5 was the max yousuf. Its difficult more than that’.

He did not fall for my trick, and gave me 15-15 kgs.

I died . Well, almost. Especially the last set, where I screamed so hard, for him to catch the dumb bells so that they dont smash my face.

I limped all the way home, happy, sad and most importantly, with my back broken ,I think.

I see his message late in the night – I hope today’s workout neutralised your brownies.

That ASS. And his smug smile . Namak Halal. To think of how nice I felt when he praised my brownie.

No more brownies, or brownie points for him.

The brownies, that almost killed me

This proves everything i wrote is legit!

 

Talk to the DP.

Yes, thats what happens nowadays.  Every household, every relationship, every dialogue.

It was my birthday, few days back. Most of the wishes, rather all of the wishes, were whatsapp messages.  Very few, very very few bothered to call me (on whatsapp, still happy), to wish me personally.

Rest of them, dropped a happy birthday message.  Lazy people sent an image with ‘Happy Bday’ flying in colours. A little enthusiastic people googled and sent a gif or a sticker.  Mind you, this includes family too, right from grand parents to parents to siblings to cousins to toddlers, whose voice message was recorded on whatsapp (as opposed to calling and making them wish).

The worst, is wishing in groups. They just drop a message in group wishing happy birthday, don’t care whose birthday it is, just go with the flow. You will be compelled to say everyone thank you at the end, because they took the effort of doing one of the above mentioned things.

Being an 80’s kid, I have experienced the other end of technology too, thats when there was no whatsapp. We had to pay for receiving a call. And birthday wishes then were super great, because people came to your house to wish you. It felt personal. It felt special. Like it was your day. Like you are being pampered however old u are. The birthdays now, is just spamming your phone, making you stick your face on phone for more time that the usual.

I’l tell u how exactly my day should have gone, vs how my day went.

Expectation – Cut cake at 12 midnight.

Reality – Messages received from close friends at midnight, checked them, answered them, and slept.

Expectation – Get up being pampered.

Reality – Get up because alarm rang, make kid’s box, have a sweaty morning.

Expectation – Wait for ppl to call me or visit me the whole day, while i do birthday shopping, wear new clothes , and of course work.

Reality – Read and answer tons of messages in the whatsapp groups. And facebook. Thank God I am not on anything else.

Expectation – Forget  I have a phone, hang around with my favourite ppl all day.

Reality – Spend all day on phone. Waiting for more messages.

PS: I still love you all for wishing me. 😀

PPS: Thats the reason I keep changing my DP. Keep checking me out. 😀 😀

Startup? Rather shut-down.

Yes. I quit my job 2 weeks back. Everyone who knows what company i quit, actually thought i was mad.
Mostly because, the company was amazing, one of a kind, has amazing perks, family day, annual dinner, a t-shirt every event, a goodie every festival, basically, an amazing work-life balance maintainable one. NO, no, life is obviously more than work, because there is an amazing life in company as well.

The only thing probably missing was, deadlines. (facepalm).

Everyone took their own sweet time to finish their work, and if the person dint, deadline would extend! There was no new tech coming in, and i was not learning anything new.  Valid reasons?  Also , i quit my first job for husband, second job for kid. I had decided, if ever i quit anything in future, it will be because i want it..not anyone else.

Hence, i had taken this super powerful decision (obviously after getting a job), to quit the super amazing company.

Now, my new company is a startup. Its always been my dream to work in a startup, work late nights, have amazing discussions, keep learning something new. As my notice period started ending, I realised that the dream, “was” my dream. Now, my dream is actually to get a buttload of salary without working my butt off. But i had no option, i had resigned already. I was genuinely scared on how i would manage so much startup work plus my kid plus a big kid (the husband).

My first day at work(reached office at 830), there was one person in the office. Like ONE. She, being the lead developer, got a macbook, gave it to me, to set it up from scratch. (Thats right! no Tech support guys). I spent the day installing OS, setting up company software, talking to walls and aleovera plants , cos how much can you talk to one person in one day.

The second day, a little bit interesting, I reached at 9, waited outside cos i dint have keys to office.  The lead came, opened, we switched on AC’s and stuff.  Basically like entering the house after vacation.  One more person came, at like 2pm , and casually started roaming around, talking and working. When asked about flexibility, they mentioned – DO whatever you want at whatever time u want. Just complete on time.  Because we hang out with remote ppl anyway. The bosses are all over the world.

Third day, took two calls from 8-10 at home, reached office at 11. No comments. Everyone happy. I happy . Finished my work, blogging now.

Somehow, i dont feel bad leaving my old company. This is nice. This is fun. Best part- There is no tag to wear around my neck 😀 something i really hate in every software company. This place is like a small family.  Close family. Feels nice 🙂

Look fwd to cartoon strips soon! on startups! shutting down now! 😀

 

 

 

 

 

 

Goodbye excuses.

Ever since motherhood happened, I have been convincing myself to go with the flow.

I don’t want to start anything new because I might  end up spending less time with the baby.  I avoid going to the malls because the kid might get tired. I DONT feel like dressing up so much because anyway I am with a kid, who cares.  I dont attend any of my after-office dinner/game/movie parties because I have got to be home by 5. I cant believe that in 3+ years of my office life here, I haven’t stayed in office past 5pm. I am least interested in making new friends, meeting people socially , except when its a playdate with an other kiddo family.

SO much that, I am sticking in the same job, at a meager salary just because it gives me the flexibility to cater to the kid’s school timings.  An year back I even ended up applying for an MBA, was pretty serious. But was sick worried about how I will be able to manage office, school and the kid.

I think its time I start thinking about doing things that I enjoy. The kid will get used to it, I hope so. May be its not the kid, its just me, I have become so lazy and have been giving myself excuses NOT do start anything new.  I need to start a hobby. Start a career. Start living a life. I need to think a lot more that whats gonna be on kid’s breakfast and lunch menu.  I need to get out of my comfort zone and push myself.

“The biggest wall you got to climb is the one you have built in your mind”